The Cult Classic Curiosity: If I Had Legs I'd Kick You
Key Takeaways
If I Had Legs I'd Kick You is a 1970 short film starring Mary Tyler Moore and Richard Gautier. It is a poignant, offbeat comedy-drama that explores the emotional and physical complexities of disability through the lens of a veteran and his wife, eventually gaining a cult following for its unique tone and rare performances.
If I had legs I'd kick you is one of those phrases that sticks in your brain the moment you hear it, partly because it sounds like a playground insult and partly because it carries a heavy weight of frustration. Most people stumbling across this title today are usually looking for a piece of lost television history or trying to track down a performance by Mary Tyler Moore that looks nothing like her time on the Dick Van Dyke Show. This 1970 short film is a fascinating time capsule of how Hollywood began to pivot toward more grounded, gritty storytelling at the start of the decade.
Understanding the Context of If I Had Legs I'd Kick You
To really get what makes this film tick, you have to look at the era it was born into. The late sixties and early seventies were a period of massive transition in American cinema. Audiences were moving away from polished technicolor musicals and toward stories that felt a little more like real life—bruises and all.
The film follows a veteran who has lost the use of his legs and is struggling to reconcile his new reality with his old identity. It is a story about the friction between a husband and wife, the resentment that can brew in the shadows of a tragedy, and the dark humor often used as a survival mechanism. While the title sounds aggressive, it actually serves as a shorthand for the character's internal struggle to regain agency over his own life.
The Cast That Made It Memorable
One of the biggest draws for modern viewers is the cast. Seeing Mary Tyler Moore in a role like this is a bit of a shock to the system if you are only used to her "perky" persona. She plays the wife with a level of nuance that prefigures her Oscar-nominated turn in Ordinary People a decade later.
Richard Gautier, perhaps best known for his role as Hymie the Robot in Get Smart, delivers a performance that is both physically demanding and emotionally raw. The chemistry between the two is what keeps the short from feeling like a standard "issue of the week" drama. They transform a potentially sentimental script into something that feels uncomfortably honest.
Why the Film Resonates Today
You might wonder why a short film from over fifty years ago still gets searched for online. The truth is, the themes within If I Had Legs I'd Kick You are somewhat timeless. The way society views disability has changed, but the personal, internal battle for dignity and the strain on a marriage following a life-altering injury remain deeply relevant.
According to the film's documentation on Wikipedia, the project was part of a larger effort to showcase versatile acting talents in shorter, more experimental formats. It wasn't meant to be a blockbuster; it was meant to be a character study.
Breaking Down the Production Style
The film uses a minimalist approach. You won't find sweeping orchestral scores or high-octane action sequences here. Instead, the director focuses on tight close-ups and long takes. This "kitchen sink" realism was a hallmark of the time and helps the viewer feel the claustrophobia of the characters' lives.
Common Characteristics of 1970s Short Dramas:
- Heavy focus on dialogue over action.
- Naturalistic lighting that mimics everyday environments.
- Exploration of social issues that were previously considered "taboo" for television.
- Ambiguous endings that leave the audience questioning the characters' futures.
A Quick Comparison: 1970s TV Shorts vs. Modern Shorts
| Feature | 1970s Shorts (Like This Film) | Modern Digital Shorts |
| Pacing | Slow, deliberate, and dialogue-heavy | Fast-paced, designed for short attention spans |
| Visuals | Gritty, film-grain texture, muted colors | High-definition, vibrant, often CGI-enhanced |
| Distribution | Network television specials | YouTube, Vimeo, and Social Media |
| Subject Matter | Social realism and character psychology | Concept-driven or "viral" hooks |
Common Mistakes When Interpreting the Title
When people see the phrase if I had legs I'd kick you, they often make a few assumptions that don't quite align with the actual film. It is easy to misinterpret the tone if you haven't seen the context of the scene.
- Assuming it is a slapstick comedy: Because of Richard Gautier's background in comedy, some expect a farce. It is actually a drama with very dark comedic undertones.
- Thinking it is a full-length feature: This is a short film. It is concise and punchy, meant to deliver an emotional blow in a short runtime.
- Expecting a dated "lesson": Many films from this era feel like "after-school specials." While this film deals with a serious topic, it avoids the preachy tone that plagued many of its contemporaries.
Practical Steps to Finding Rare Media Like This
If you are a fan of Mary Tyler Moore or a collector of vintage television, finding a high-quality copy of this short can be a bit of a hunt. Rare media from the early seventies often exists only in archives or on old 16mm prints.
- Check Archive Databases: Sites like the Paley Center for Media often keep records and viewable copies of television specials that aren't on Netflix.
- Search University Libraries: Film departments at major universities sometimes hold collections of shorts used for educational purposes.
- Look for Anthology Releases: Occasionally, these shorts are bundled as "bonus features" on DVD releases of a lead actor's more famous work.
- Join Collector Forums: Groups dedicated to "Lost Media" are incredibly helpful in tracking down digitizations of obscure titles.
The Legacy of the Script
The writing in If I Had Legs I'd Kick You stands out because it doesn't try to make the protagonist a saint. In many films about disability from that era, the main character is either a tragic victim or an impossibly brave hero. This script allows the character to be angry, bitter, and—at times—unlikable. That honesty is what gives the film its staying power.
The dialogue feels less like a script and more like an overheard argument. It captures the specific cadence of a couple who has said everything there is to say to each other but still finds ways to hurt and heal through words. You can find more details about the production's history and the creative team involved through the IMDb archives, which highlight the technical credits of the era.
Pros and Cons of the Short Film Format
Every medium has its strengths and weaknesses, and the short film is no different.
Pros:
- Focus: It doesn't have time for "filler" subplots, meaning every scene counts.
- Intensity: The emotional stakes feel higher because they are condensed into a smaller window of time.
- Artistic Freedom: Shorts were often used as "testing grounds" for directors to try out new styles before moving to features.
Cons:
- Character Depth: While we get a snapshot, we don't always get the full backstory of how the characters arrived at this point.
- Accessibility: As mentioned, they are much harder to find fifty years later compared to major motion pictures.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is this film based on a true story?
While it captures the very real experiences of many veterans returning home, it is a fictional narrative designed to explore psychological themes rather than a biographical account of a specific person.
Where can I watch If I Had Legs I'd Kick You today?
It is currently considered a rare piece of media. It occasionally pops up on classic film streaming services or is screened at retrospective film festivals focusing on the 1970s.
What was the critical reception at the time?
Critics praised the performances of Mary Tyler Moore and Richard Gautier, noting that both actors were working "against type" and showing significant dramatic range that hadn't been fully utilized in their television sitcom work.
Does the title appear in the dialogue?
Yes, the title is a line spoken within the film that encapsulates the protagonist's feelings of helplessness and his desire to lash out against the unfairness of his situation.
How long is the film?
The runtime is approximately 30 minutes, which was a standard length for television shorts and anthology series episodes during that period.
Final Thoughts on a Forgotten Gem
Tracing the history of obscure titles like this reminds us that the landscape of entertainment is much broader than just the hits we see on repeat. If I Had Legs I'd Kick You is a testament to a time when creators were willing to get uncomfortable and challenge the audience's perceptions of their favorite stars. Whether you are a film historian or just a curious viewer, it represents a pivotal moment in the evolution of dramatic storytelling.
